Clean N Jerks... too easy

Today's punishment:

C N J (Clean ~ N ~ Jerk!)

H-E-A-V-Y

1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1

Result: Officially set 1-RM CNJ @ 145. (Didn't have one recorded yet)
Sadism scale: 2 of 5 (almost broke my back on a failed rep)

My blog post was one day to early or this is Jason's subtle nod to yesterday's topic. Anyways, I could continue on about masturbating and clean n' jerks but that would be too easy. Today, I am going to discuss...

Brett Favre's backcracker block from last night. Fucking tits that's all I have to say.



(The wildcat runner was Percy Harvin, btw)

The old bastard comes out with gray stubbly whiskers. Everyone thinks its just a normal preseason two-hand touch game and BAM! he wakes those fuckers up Stuntman Mike style. Was it cheap and unnecessary, yes. Could it have ruined that poor safety's career, yes. This may be a defining moment for Brett Favre; due to his reckless abandon, he may have finally changed his public opinion. Brett Favre was always mister perfect-do-no-wrong, yet he has been unsuccessfully been trying to become a villain for 4 years. (Not sitting out when injured, waiting to the last second to start playing so the team can't practice properly, getting coaches fired, pissing off Jeff Garcia... etc) People just couldn't find a reason to hate the guy. Now you can all rally against him like you have always wanted to deep down. Bring on the hate.

This is the second awesome preseason game in a row... thank god for football season.

Suck it.

--Stuntman Mike

PS Can some one from 6 AM remind me to put this one in my book... kthxby

Mind fuck

Today's punishment:

Row Max Distance (Meters) in 4-minutes, then Max Poundage (Cumulative) "Anyway Overhead" in 4-minutes*

Result: 2716
Pukey scale: 3.5 (possibly a 5 if it lasted much longer)
Sadism scale: 5 of 5

Jason came up with a tricky work out today. Choose what weight to optimize your output. You create your own kind of personal punishment, thus the 5 on the sadism scale. For me this one wasn't that bad, except the slight wave of nausea from my last push at the end. I wish I had known about this before hand, so I could formulate my plan over the weekend. Hell, I kind of want to do this one again! Why? Because I am numbers nerd.

I went 85 bumping up to 75 at the very last minute. 75 felt too light and 85 felt "good" albeit still a little light. I pumped out 1016 on the row and then moved on to the CNJs. FUCK ME. That felt way heavier than it did before. Maybe Jason secretly has lead rubber weights he switches out to just fuck with me but no, it is probably just because I rowed for 4 minutes. My goal was 15 CNJs, I hit 20. (20 x 85 = 1700) + 1026 = 2716. Right at the end a quick wave of pukey started to come on but time was out and I retreated to my fan. After I began to return to general consciousness I started to evaluate my performance. I really think I could have done 25 @ 75 which would have landed me at 1875, an extra 175 to my score. Although we didn't discuss numbers, Sarah had came to the same conclusion.

Since I am such a nice guy and I hate Jason and want to foil his evil plans of sadism; my friends in the PM crews, I will give you a game plan for today.

35 45 55 65 75 85 95 105 115 125 5 175 225 275 325 375 425 475 525 575 625 10 350 450 550 650 750 850 950 1050 1150 1250 15 525 675 825 975 1125 1275 1425 1575 1725 1875 20 700 900 1100 1300 1500 1700 1900 2100 2300 2500 25 875 1125 1375 1625 1875 2125 2375 2625 2875 3125 30 1050 1350 1650 1950 2250 2550 2850 3150 3450 3750 35 1225 1575 1925 2275 2625 2975 3325 3675 4025 4375 40 1400 1800 2200 2600 3000 3400 3800 4200 4600 5000 45 1575 2025 2475 2925 3375 3825 4275 4725 5175 5625 50 1750 2250 2750 3250 3750 4250 4750 5250 5750 6250

Now from my experience with this, I think you should warm up and get to a comfortable weight from which you guess you can bang out 25-30 reps in 3 to 3 1/2 minutes (the first minute is kind of a wash) then immediately take 10 lbs off of that because the row will make it suck more.

Looking at the table, I really think 30 should be the optimum target. At the right weight, it is a reasonably obtainable. Breaks are really the enemy here (which I took too many of). If I had dropped down to 65 and hit 31 reps, I would have broken the 3000 mark on my overall score. I am not really sure if I could have hit 27 at 75 beat that threshold.

****UPDATE****
Being the selfish prick that I am, I realized that 30 was optimum for my target weight range. There is an equation for a the optimum output for each weight but I really don't feel like spending time trying to find those numbers for you. Anyways if you are using lighter weights. 35/45 you are better off going heavier if you think it is a difference of only 5 reps. 30 @ 35lbs = 1050 < 25 @ 45lbs = 1125. So if you are trying to decide between 45 and 35 go with 45 because more weight equals more points. Other than that shot for the lighter weight at more reps for more points. But really just look at the chart because and figure it out yourself.
****END UPDATE***

****UPDATE NUMBER 2****
I added the point of diminishing returns to the chart. When the number is red that means that you would get less points for doing 5 more reps at 10lbs lighter. You don't want this. So if you think you going to do 55 or 65 and are aiming for 30 reps, I would almost say go ahead and do 65 because if you make 35 or more then you are actually doing more work for less points.
****END UPDATE ****

Anyways, sorry to the rest of the AMs that this wasn't out in time. Good luck PM! You bitches better appreciate that chart. Blogger gave me all kinds of hell trying to add in the pretty table.

Suck it.

-Stuntman Mike

Good bye 20s

Today's punishment:

TGIF - Triple Modality

For total reps:

3 minutes Max Rep CNJ @ 83/135

3 minutes Rest

3 minutes Max Rep Burpees

3 minutes Rest

3 minutes Max Calorie Row

Done!

Result: 93 @ 115 lbs
Pukey Scale: 3.5 of 5

Total suck. My next CF WOD will be at age 30. Good to work out with Mariel one last time. Good luck in Tampa! I will see all you bitches tonight. And over the weekend.

Suck it

--Stuntman Mike

Now where are the paparazzi?

Today's punishment got the the title of...

"15 Minutes of Fame"

1.) Five (5) minutes "Anyway Overhead" Max Reps @ 93/135
Then ...
2.) Ten (10) minutes AMRAP of:
50-ft Walking Lunge
Alley Sprint

Result: 25 @ 95lbs + 9 rounds
Pukey Scale: 2 out of 5

Seriously? I am much more famous then all of you bitches. You haven't seen my biography "Death Proof"? In true Tarantino style, QT took some serious liberties with facts and events but I think he got the character down right! Crazy, check. Creepy, check. Antisocial, check. Fantasizes about running people over, check. Has a book with people's names in it that will eventually be used for revenge, check. Speaking of checks... where is my motha-fucking royalty check? Quentin you are in my book, unfortunately I have to file you under "dead beat."

Oh yeah, the PoD today wasn't too killer. The "Grace" part kind of sucked but not as bad as when it was actually "Grace." The pukey scale got to maybe a three at that point but died down for the final two thirds of the work out. Don't get me wrong... the lunges sucked the most but not in a vomit inducing way.

Work sucks today. I haven't been able to work on my secret Crossfit project at all, not to mention I had to deal with D$ harassment.

Actual email conversation between D$ and me (also sent to Rob but he was too busy actually working to get in on it):

Derick:

Nice photos on the W.O.D. pussies. I see Jim has exchanged the shocker for the bird. Nice transition. Everyone was on to your subtle shocker posses anyway Jim.

Hey, help me out fellas. What does this mean--à Five (5) minutes “Anyway Overhead” Max Reps @ 93/135?

I understand the time and the pounds, but not “Anyway Overhead”.

Help me out you Crossfit sluts!

-------------------------------------

Me:
"Anyway overhead" means lift the fucking weight over your god damned stupid head anyway you freaking want! As long as you are firmed up under the bar in the end like you would be for a shoulder press, arms & legs at full extension, legs should be shoulder width apart. Its not rocket science.

--------------------------------------

Derick:
And that it? No squat, no Press or jump? How weak. Maybe I won’t start Crossfit again.

Don’t be bitter Stuntman!

--------------------------------------

Me:
Try it fuck face its harder than it sounds.

--------------------------------------

Derick:
Not really. 135lbs. Easy power snatch every time. Hey, what maybe a struggle for you, maybe a warm up for others! SUCK IT!

Ouch, you sir are a dick... Jason needs to work up an evil work out just for his blasphemous ass.

Suck it.

--Stuntman Mike

Cheating on Cindy

We all know that Jason is a sadistic bastard but man, he sure good at introducing me to a bunch of girls.

Meet "Grace" today's punishment:

30 CNJ for time (RX'd is 135lbs)

Result: 6:05 @ 95lbs
Pukey Scale: see below...

Bam... done. Although it took about 35 mins of foreplay. CFFM was pretty lonely this morning at 6am. Evil Jason and Commie Brent were doing their Football workout. MK was pounding out the stability ball "bench" press (there is no bench so technically it would no longer be a bench press but its the same movement so should be classified as such... I digress). So Jason left me all alone with Grace. I was a little late this morning and took my time. I was shooting for 95 lbs so I warmed up at 45, 65, 75, 85, then 95. That took about 35 mins but it was a relaxed Friday at the gym so it was a while before I was finally ready to go. Then it only lasted 6 minutes and 5 seconds, not bad seeing I was supposed to finish up between 5 to 7 minutes. The first half went fast, I fatigued quickly after that. In the last minute the pukey scale shot up like crazy. I finished it off but damn, I was amazed how hard that bitch worked me in that short amount of time.

Yesterday's visit from the clown and today's quick yet still close to puke inspiring work out got me thinking. How does the pukey scale actually work... empirically?

The Pukey Formula

When it comes down to it, the Pukey Formula based on the formula for exponential growth with two variables: the pukey scale factor and time.

The simple formula (stolen from wikipedia) for exponential growth is as follows:


That is a lot of fancy pants mumbo jumbo to state that the pukey scale result ( further referred to as p for puke) is equal to the pukey scale factor (further referred to as s for sadism) to the time interval (further referred to as SuckIt) degree.

p = s^SuckIT - 1

Some other points... The pukey scale always has A (starting amount) as constant of 1 (begining of the workout) thus can be omitted from the distilled formula. The pukey scale also ends the formula with a minus 1 to allow for a fraction under 1 as possible p (like a 0.5 on the pukey scale). Doesn't the - 1 cause a problem in the time interval is 0 you say? No, because all work outs will have a time interval, so 0 is impossible; YES D$ even for your terminator ass. Does that mean it is impossible to get a true 0 on the pukey scale? No, if the work out is that easy that it should receive a 0 then the factor would be 1 thus ignoring the time factor. (1-1 = 0 bitches). There is an absolute limit of 5. Once the limit is hit, p plateaus and then begins an exponential decay, the decay factor is usually but not always the inverse to the pukey factor. I am not going into the math to that as it would be long and tedious and pointless, once you barf you know longer care.

Now the pukey factor is the product of many other factors, each with its own weight. The factors with the heaviest weight are Jason's sadistic capacity, punishment intensity, stomach conditions, level of hydration, nutrition, personal awesomeness, and heat index. When compiled, you get the pukey factor.

Today's pukey factor was 1.00413 (scaled for seconds)
Today's pukey scale was 3.5 of 5
Today's time was 6 mins 5 seconds
Grace would have made me puke at 7 mins 15 seconds. (when p is equal to 5)

Suck it.

--Stuntman Mike