freeze your ass off

SWOD:
Front Squat 8x3
Result: 120-120-120-120-120-120-120-120-125-130-135

DWOD:
"Swings & Jumps"
5 rds for time of
20 KBS @ 24-K
10 Standing Broad Jumps, min. 6-ft.
Result: 15:??

Burr

SWOD:
Squat 5 x 5, set new PR (TBD)
Bench 5 x 1 = @ 145 across the board

DWOD:
5 rds for time of
Sprint 20 - 40 - 20 yards
8 KBS @ 24-K
16 Push-Ups
*Rest one minute between rounds

Result: 13:16

Frenemies

What today's workout should have been:

3 rounds of
Row 750-Meters for time, never slowing more than three (3) seconds from best interval.
*Foul, if you slow more than indicated: 100 walking lunge steps (per foul!)

I was excited about this when I saw it on the blog.  Looked therapeutic for my back, not long enough to make me pukey.  Just a nice day at the gym since the last two I actually attended have sucked so bad.  Since I skipped out on yesterday, I was a little worried that Jason would have me make it up but he didn't say anything and I sure as hell didn't say anything.  Then Rob and the Baconator come strolling in later than me and are all "We are going to do yesterday's work out."  Thanks guys, you dicks.



So today's work out was the bullshit from yesterday:

AMRAP in 12 minutes of
Push Press @ 63/95, 8 reps
KBS @ 16-k/24-k, 16 reps
(Now named "Suck fest" because everyone bitched about it so much)

Result: 5 rounds + 5 kbs at a pathetic 65 lbs and 20k bell
Pukey scale: 3
Sadism scale: 5

Seriously this is three in a row of sadism @ 5.  So first of all, fuck you Jason for inflicting all types of punishment on your CFFM crews.  I kind of pussed out on this in two way: my back was still so sore from Monday so I didn't come in yesterday, running some cop out laps instead and this morning I was scared so I did really light weight as to not aggravate the back anymore.  Look Stuntman may be my first name but my job is to sit in front of a computer for 8+ hours a day.  I can only have three injuries that can affect my performance at work: A) brain/head  injury 2) hand injury D) back injury.  My horrible commie swing form tends to do bad things to my back anyways so "Suck Fest" looked like a possible career ending injury.

Oh and by the way, I will continue my rant from this morning.  NEVER TELL JASON HOW MUCH THE WORK OUT SUCKED.  This one will happen again because everyone hated it.  This is how his mind works.  He is a sadist, remember that.  If you hate the workout the proper protocol is to tell him that it wasn't bad at all.  Although this may also lead to harder ones... just don't give him feed back at all.

Anyways, I felt guilty so I stuck around and did today's WOD as well.  As I thought, the rows actually HELPED with my back.  I firmly believe that rowing is the best and safest form of cardio.  I hatez me some rows when mixed with a work out but individually I think it is great, I really should do that as my warm up more.

So results on that one: 3:05.1, 3:03.0, 3:05.0... no lunges for me!

Suck it.

--Stuntman Mike

This is why I'm fat

Today's punishment:


"HELEN"

3 rounds for time of

Run 400-Meters

21 KBS @ 16-K/24-K

12 Pull-Ups

Result: 15:47

Pukey Scale: 3 + 1.5 from the weekend = 4.5

Sadism Scale: 3 of 5

HELEN, HELLEN, fucking bitch!  I hate these nasty girls and after my weekend I don't think I was ready fight some commies today.  But enough about Jason's sadistic BS.  Let me tell you about the weekend.  On Sunday, While all you Paleo freaks were munching on your nuts and berries, I embarked on a culinary adventure of awesomeness that would make the rest of you squirm.  After all my day dreaming of Krisy Kreme Kheeseburgers, I knew I had act on it and also do 'em up Stuntman Mike style.  When word got out that I was going to attempt this monumental gastronomic venture... others quickly joined my most epic quest.

Here is a slide show I slavishly put together so you can try fathom the ultimate experience that was had.  Seriously though, its like looking at pictures of someone scaling Mount Everest, you really had to be there and do it yourself!  

My burger is better than yours.

Suck it.

--Stuntman Mike

Iron Curtain FAIL

Today's bullshit:

For time:

Run 400-Meters

50 KBS @ 16-k/24-k

35 Pull-Ups

20 Burpees

50 D/U

20 Burpees

35 Pull-Ups

50 KBS

Run 400-Meters

Results: under 40 mins (can't remember now)
Pukey scale: 4.9 of 5 (puked in my mouth)
Sadism scale: 5.0

This one sucked so much. Jason deserves a kick in the balls for this BS. Fucking commie swings were atrocious and completely and utterly kicked my ass. Total FAIL.

So since I am running short on time, I have compiled funny FAILZ I have found from the interwebs. Enjoy!

I love that play 'em off cat. Until tomorrow...

Suck it.

--Stuntman Mike

Every second counts

Yesterday's punishment:

Deadlifts

4 x 3 @ 90% of 1-RM

*Rest 3-5 min. between sets

Result: All complete @ 225lbs (90% of 250lbs)
Sadism Scale: 3 of 5 (huge pain difference between 1 and 3 heavy reps)

Today's punishment:

For time:

Run 400-Meters

30 KBS @ 16-k/24-k

100-ft Walking Lunges

Run 800-Meters

100-ft Walking Lunges

30 KBS

Run 400-Meters

Result: 16:10
Pukey scale: 3.5 of 5
Sadism scale: 4 of 5

This one was shitty, shitty, shitty. I am happy it wasn't yesterday's workout because I would have been way slower. And as we all know in CrossFit... every second counts. In fact that is the title of the CrossFit movie. Never had I realized how important that was until this weekend when we, the Seminoles, we lost to poor time management against the Hurricanes this weekend. (Ok, really we lost because of a shitty defense and a bad red zone passing game, but that is out of the scope of this post's theme.)

Man, that was a really good game and I really wished for a few more seconds so the Noles could have punched it in at the end. A few more seconds on that clock and I really think they could have... or a couple of saved timeouts too. Just think if the offense had hustled back into place just a little faster earlier in the half, a few more seconds could have done the trick.

Say what you want about other fans... Miami fans are the worst ever. (Some Gator fans are trying to win this title too because most feel they deserve every title or trophy on the planet... ((Not any at CFFM though)) but I digress.)

Why they are the worst:

1) Miami fans are obnoxious. Most fans cheer for their team. Miami fans just taunt the other team. There are assholes in every fan base, even my beloved Noles. Most is a 80/20 split of cool fans and douche bags Miami is about a 10/90.

Unfortunately, FSU has been down lately and I have seen them lose to lots of teams. Most fans cheer the win, no one really shoves it in our face on the walk of shame back to the car. Miami fans wouldn't shut the fuck up before the game, during the game, and worst of all after the game. On the way there we saw a Nole dad almost kick the shit out of a Miami fan because the Miami fan was taunting his 6 year old son. It was craziness.

2) Miami have THE most fickle fans on the planet.
Miami fans only show their pride when they are undefeated or playing at a high level... during football seasons. Week 1 I always see tons of Miami stuff... then if they lose, nothing. I have only met one Miami fan that actually went to school there. Last week she thought they were going to be horrible this season. Now after they scape by with a win she thinks they could go undefeated. Seriously.

When they lose though they quickly jump on another bandwagon and root for them... the best case study of this was the kid sitting behind me at the game. He wasn't wearing a shirt or a hat. He was being completely obnoxious (par for a Miami fan). When Florida State was up by 10 he put on a FSU tee and hat. No lie. We all started laughing at him. Here is his picture:



3) They can't come up with good taunts.
If you are going to spend 100% of your time rippin on us, come up with something better than FUCK YOU or YOU SUCK. One of the small 10% of cool Miami fans was actually making fun of the lack of creativity in his fan base. He said he could curse for 5 mins straight without repeating a word but these pin heads couldn't come up with anything better than FUCK YOU FSU. Oh and Miami fans told us to "Go Fucking Home" after the game. Uhhh, that doesn't even make sense.

Anecdote: There was a polite Gator fan sitting in front of me (in a Gator polo and hat). I asked him why he was watching this game when he could be watching Tebow set the world record for most consecutive circumcisions in an hour on ESPN2. He laughed... but mysteriously didn't come back for the second half of the game, hope he knew it wasn't for realz.

So all you Miami Fans...

Suck it!

--Stuntman Mike

PS Being hung over during the 4th quarter really blows.

Red Dawn

Today's punishment:

AMRAP in 15 minutes of
10 KBS @ 16-K/24-K
Sprint 40-Yards

Results: 10 rounds... PATHETIC!
Pukey scale: 4 of 5
Sadism scale: 3 of 5

The commies came and conquered. Horrible, horrible effort on my part. I wore my power gloves so no excuses except commie swings suck giant ballz.

MK is back in town. It sounds like she had an awesome adventure and even toured some Crossfits out west. Jet lag didn't bother her one bit, she came back and crushed it like she hadn't missed a day. 20 rounds and at least an extra swing (that means she MORE THAN doubled me!) At least she was representing us out west!

I am coming to CF tonight to make up for yesterday. DT you were a hero and all but get ready to...

SUCK IT.

--Stuntman Mike

Power gloves

Today's punishment:

Triple Mod TGIF

AMRAP in 20 minutes of

Run 200-Meters

12 KBS [16-K/24-K]

9 Burpees

6 Pull-Ups

Result: 4 rounds + burpees
Pukey Scale: 4 of 5 ( I really pushed at the end)
Sadism Scale: 4 of 5

Jason is a sadistic fuck. Lately there have been a lot of open hand wounds at CrossFit For Masochists. This isn't random, it is because we have had a lot of WODs that have torn the shit out of our hands. My hands were finally starting to not hurt every waking moment and fuck face puts up this WOD on the blog. The biggest culprits of making bloody hands? KBS and Pull-ups... both of which are in today's punishment. Fuck Jason, I out smarted his ass today. I wore gloves. A lot of people have tried and complained about them. I have given in to peer pressure to this point, taking everyone's advice. I was a sheep, I admit it. Not today. Let me lay out a pro con list for glove use...

Cons:
Can't do more than maybe 3 kips in a row, usually only 2.
Peer pressure against gloves made me feel like a tool at first.
The gloves were kind of stinky.

Pros:
Really helped with the commie swings.
No grip pain during the second half of the work out.
My hands were not bleeding at the end of the workout.

I think the pros seriously out-weighed the cons don't you? I think I am going to wear gloves when fighting the commies, there is no going back. The gloves definitely hurt my kips but bleeding hands usually kills them more so I think it was a wash there.




Kids, what we learned today is to not listen to peer pressure. What is not good for them is not always bad for you. Try and fail. Don't let someone else try and fail, then tell you to avoid doing it because it sucks. So if some crazy kid jumps off a bridge and becomes paralyzed and warns you not to do it because there are rocks down here... don't take their advice, maybe they just jumped wrong or had long legs or something. Try it yourself.

Suck it.

--Stuntman Mike

P.S. I just ordered some do-wins. Ok, so maybe I haven't learned anything.

150 Kryptobell Swings

Today's brutal punishment:

5 rds for time of

Run 400-M

30 KBS [16K/24K]

15 Pull-Ups

My Pathetic Results: 46:43 (definitely setting the low bar today, I am the limbo king!)
Pukey Scale: 4.9 of 5
Sadism Scale: 6 of 5

I absolutely failed today. Jason really threw a fucking mean one at me. 1.25 miles, 150 kbs, 75 pull ups. The running and commie swings drove up the pukey scale one point per round. The commie swings and pull ups tore the fuck out of my hands. I had four callous, all of them tore, three were bleeding during the last round. Commie swings are definitely still my kryptonite as well proven here. I wanted to quit after the run in round 4. My right hand was shot and that nasty pukey feeling was starting to hit. Everyone was finished or finishing up. During the last round I was about to vomit. Usually at this point I just get it over with but for some reason I really didn't want to. So I slowed down even more hoping the wave of nausea would pass. When it got to an acceptable 4.5, I pressed on. I could hardly grip the pull up bar, so even my pull ups took forever. By the end I was feeling dizzy and queezy, either from exhaustion or blood loss. Bleh!

Here are some shots of my hand, one hour post workout.


Left hand


right hand... eww

Before the workout we joked that I could go pick up donuts for the crew and that would be posted as my time. In retrospect, I really wish I took this offer up.

So, I end the week exhasted, sore, and unable to masterbate for at least a week. Thanks a lot Jason, you ass.

Suck it.

--Stuntman Mike

I'm back... BARF!!!!

I returned Tuesday night. I was too tired to go in at 6AM so I took yesterday's punishment at 6pm. And what punishment it was...

"The Filthy Fifty"
50 Box Jumps
50 Jumping Pull-Ups
50 KBS (24k)
50 Walking Lunges
50 KTE
50 Push Press (45 lbs)
50 GHD Hypers
50 WBS (20 lbs)
50 Burpees
50 D/U

Result: 54:52
Pukey Scale: 5 of 5 (after 15 burpees)
Sadism Scale: 5 of 5

Jason is the biggest asshole on earth. He knew I was coming back on Wednesday. Do I get a nice simple workout to ease myself back in after five days of awful eating and no significant work outs? No I get the filthy fucking fifty. FUCK YOU, YOU GOD DAMNED SADIST!!!!

I am not exactly sure why I even went in a 6pm. I knew Jason's sadistic ass would make anyone make up this brutal workout the next day so I could have taken an extra day to acclimated back to my normal routine and this hot, humid weather. In NE it was 80 with 50% humidity, absolutely beautiful weather (and the locals were complaining about the humidity!). Yesterday was 95 degrees (1 below the record set in 1936) with the sun beating in to the garage while it set. I got dehydrated just warming up. I knew I was in for trouble.

The box jumps and jumping pull ups went fine. Commies swings tripped me up in a bad way. I wasn't doing a good job of keeping my balance and these bitches wore me out quick, pushing me to a 4.5 on the pukey scale. The lunges weren't bad but the KTEs kept the pukey scale up. The push presses and back extensions went ok but I couldn't get the pukey feeling to subside. The wall ball shots were pure hell. I did them mostly in sets of ten but they kept pushing me to a 4.9 on the pukey scale so I had to take long breaks in between. Getting to 15 burpees was rough. I had made a couple of trips outside to puke. After 15 I finally lost it. This morning I checked and my rice from yesterday's lunch is still sitting in the plant bed on the left of the door, check it out! After my spat of pukiness and a little rest, I felt better and finished up the remaining 35 burpees in sets of 5. D/Us seemed impossible at that point but I struggled through the first half and then banged out 23 of the last 25 in a row; 2 more and it was all over, almost an hour over. My punishment for a week of gluttony.

10 1/2 hours later I was back at it again... today's punishment:

5 rds for time of

Run 200-M

10 Pull-Ups

20 Push-Ups

30 Air Squats

40 Sit-Ups

Result: 39 something
Pukey Scale: 3.5 of 5
Sadism Scale: 5 of 5

I didn't do so hot today. I blame this on not enough recovery time and still "hung over" from the trip. I ran through the first two rounds ok but I think that used up all my rest recovery energy. I slowed down quit a bit after that. Bleh. I hope to get back into it correct next week.

Tomorrow, I am going to do a run down of what I ate over vacation. I still haven't had a chance upload the pictures to the web as this morning took me way longer than expected at CF. You can see all the delicasies and other shit you wish you ate!

Suck it.

--Stuntman Mike

New PR... W00T!!!!!!11!!!11!!1!!!!1!!!

Yesterday's punishment:

AMRAP in 15 minutes of:

*Row 500-Meters [once]

15 KBS @ 16K/24K

10 Box Jumps @ 20"

5 Pull-Ups

Result: 5 rounds
Pukey Scale: 2.5 of 5

Today's workout:

H-E-A-V-Y Deadlifts

1-1-1-1-1-1-1

Result: 225 - 235 (new PR) - 245 (new PR) - 250 FAIL - 250 FAIL - 245 - 250 (new PR)
Pukey Scale: 0

Good past couple of days at CF. Yesterday, I felt pretty solid with the work out. The commie swings went better than expected. I broke them up into 8/7 sets and kept with it for the most part. No back pain today so that meant I must have done them right. Work was crazy yesterday so I didn't have time to post. I think I was staring at the screen too long because I got a nasty migraine at the end of the evening. Sleeping it off didn't really help too much, when my fucking alarm went off my head was still pounding. I slept in, took some Excedrin, and headed to the gym at 7am.

We haven't done heavy 1 rep dead lifts in a while so I figured I would be PRing today. Still its a damn good feeling. My PR from December was 230. I beat that on my second rep. My new PR is 250 (that is 20 lbs over the last one if you suck at math).

Oh I decided the original "Stuntman Mike" WOD might kill D$ so I decided to scale it back some. This was the original:

20 Min AMRAP

1 Shot of Patron
5 Kegstand Pushups
2 Arm curls (down a solo cup of beer in each hand)
10 burpees

Must stop if you puke.

I will come up with something equally sadistic but slightly safer... only slightly.

Suck it.

--Stuntman Mike

Back in action

Tuesday's punishment:

"Creola"
2 Dundee Honey Browns
1 One Barrel rum on the rocks
2 Coors Lights
1 Brooklyn Brown
1 Shark Bite ( some tall cocktail, no idea wtf was in that)

Result: Lots of urination. Slight slurring of the speech. Warm, jovial feeling.
Pukey Scale: 4 out of 5 the next morning

My liver hates me. No CrossFit this day.

---

Yesterday's punishment at 6 pm:

AMRAP in 15 minutes of:

1 Power Clean

2 Hang Power Cleans

3 Push Jerks

5 Burpees

Rx'd weights - 93/155

Result: 9 + 2 HPCs @ 105lbs
Pukey Scale: 3 out of 5

This one was rough. I still wasn't 100% but it helped cleanse me quite a bit. My first five minutes were strong, I was able to bang out four rounds. I started faltering after that. Fuck Jason and his ridiculous work outs. Bastard is picking on the drunks.

---

Today's punishment at the usual 6am:

Triple Mod ~ MWG

For time:

50 D/U

40 WBS [14/20]

30 Walking Lunges

Run 400-Meters

50 KBS [16/24]

Run 400-Meters

30 Walking Lunges

40 WBS

50 D/U

Result: 26 something.
Pukey Scale: 4 of 5

Terrible levels of suck on this one. Be it dehydration or low blood sugar or what ever, I actually got light headed towards the end of the work out. I almost sat my ass down during the second round of WBS, but I decided to just push through since I was almost done. I am glad I did because there was never a point where I actually passed out so it would have been a waste of time. If I had passed out while the medicine ball was in mid-air this would be a different post. I found it funny though that my DUs were way better in the second round then the first. I think this was the fact that I wasn't fully awake yet.

Commie swings. Fucking Jason put 50 of those bitches in the middle. I HATE HIM. I HATE KBS.

Suck it.

--Stuntman Mike

No pain, no gain... right?

Today's punishment:

AMRAP in 15 Minutes of
30 D/U's
30 KBS

Result: 2 rounds + 8 commie swings (RX'd)
Pukey Scale: 1 out of 5

I hate Jason. I hate Jason. I hate Jason. I hate Jason. I hate Jason. I hate Jason. I hate Jason. I hate Jason. I hate Jason. I hate Jason. I hate Jason. I hate Jason. I hate Jason. I hate Jason. I hate Jason. I hate Jason. I hate Jason. I hate Jason. I hate Jason. I hate Jason. I hate Jason. I hate Jason. I hate Jason. I hate Jason. I hate Jason. I hate Jason. I hate Jason. I hate Jason. I hate Jason. I hate Jason. I hate Jason. I hate Jason. I hate Jason. I hate Jason. I hate Jason. I hate Jason. I hate Jason. I hate Jason. I hate Jason. I hate Jason. I hate Jason. I hate Jason. I hate Jason. I hate Jason. I hate Jason. I hate Jason. I hate Jason. I hate Jason. I hate Jason. I hate Jason. I hate Jason. I hate Jason. I hate Jason. I hate Jason. I hate Jason. I hate Jason. I hate Jason. I hate Jason. I hate Jason. I hate Jason. I hate Jason. I hate Jason. I hate Jason. I hate Jason. I hate Jason. I hate Jason. I hate Jason. I hate Jason. I hate Jason. I hate Jason. I hate Jason. I hate Jason. I hate Jason. I hate Jason. I REALLY HATE KBS.

Suck it.

--Stuntman Mike

KBS as RX'd bitches...

Punishment of the day:

For time:
5 rds of
10 SDLHP [63/95]
10 Box Jumps @ 20"
Then, 5 rds of
10 KBS [16K/24K]
10 Pull-Ups

Result: 24:59
Pukey Scale: 2.5* out of 5 (KBS actually made me want to shit instead of puke, luckily no skid marks)

Jason attempted to thwart my quest towards RX'd today by throwing in commie swings. I have been working on them, it's a Friday, fuck it I am going full RX'd. Sumos were tough, box jumps not so much, although they don't give you a good chance to catch your breath. Then on to the evil commie swings. 24kg (that equals 53 lbs for those of you that don't understand the socialist metric system, D$ I am specifically talking to you) completely sucks giant donkey balls. I wasn't going to let Jason beat me. I was doing ok on the kips although my grip kept failing me. By the end of round three I was staring at the evil commie trap and thinking about dropping the weight. NO. DON'T LET JASON WIN! They were ugly, they were slow, but eventually they were finished. Clocking in at a not so great time of almost 25 minutes, I conquered that bastard Jason AND the treacherous commies at their own game. After finally finishing, I laid my ass down in front of the giant fan and completely shut down. When I returned from my haze back into general consciousness, I looked at my throbbing hands, now bleeding from the torn callouses, and smiled.

Suck it.

--Stuntman Mike

I told you so just doesn't quite say it enough

Punishment of the Day:
50 Jumping Squats [33/45]
Run 400-M
50 KTE
50 KBS [16/24]
50 Walking Lunges
Row 500-M

I was a day late but I was right. (See Tuesday's blog) Jason laid a nasty trap, that sadistic mother fucker. I wonder if this is how a fish feels. I know that plump squirming shrimp has a hook in it and it will lead to my demise but I will do it anyways. I miscalculated; Jason wouldn't do the core WoD the day after the deadlifts, no no no! The evil bastard would wait until day two so the the back muscles were in the middle of rebuilding thus the weakest then he would hit us with a nasty core work out.

On paper it doesn't look to bad and maybe to many of you it wasn't bad at all, but to me it hit about every weak point. Jumping squats... seems easy enough till about the 20-25 range. All of a sudden trying to stay balanced while landing was difficult. The run was so early I don't think it was a factor, I'm surprised it was only a 400. KTEs are fine in small doses but only an asshole would prescribe 50 in a row. After that pukey wave was starting to hit me just as I was moving on to my favorite commie exercise: kettlebell swings. I went with 20kg today, I am just trying to overcome this weakness so I can consistently hit RX'd. Taking the easy way out with a 16 or 14 won't let me do that. I also should be doing these in the warmup to get better, it made the pull up possible. Let me tell you it sucked. Walking lunges also sucked. And the500m row yeah that sucked too.

Result: I forget already (somewhere between 20-25 mins)
Pukey scale: 5 out of 5


It finally happened, this workout is the first official 5 on the pukey scale. I succumbed to my nausea AFTER the workout for once, so it didn't hurt my time. Luckily, I didn't get up in time for a quick breakfast this morning so it was a delectable mix of water and bile. Yummy.

All in all, Jason really kicked my ass with this one. Touché, you sadistic bastard, touché.

SUCK IT.

--Stuntman Mike

Know thy enemy

Today's punishment:

AMRAP in 15 minutes of

20 DU's [100 singles]

20 KBS [16k/24k]

Result: 4 rounds @ 20k + 20 DUs

Pukey Scale: 1 out of 5 (not even a burp)

Don't let the low rank on the pukey scale fool you. After my defiant behavior yesterday, Jason threw out the trump card... my kryptonite: the Kettlebell Swing. Well played Jason, well played. Since it was paired with double-unders I figured it was a good time to try to go a little heavier so I did it at 20k (fucking Commie metric system) which isn't even the rx'd weight, 20k still gives me trouble. I hate this Commie exercise to my American core! (Get it???) Seriously, Kettlebell swings are the most evil exercise ever. Disagree with me... maybe if you were informed on the history of the kettlebell you would understand. Let me enlighten you!

History of the Kettlebell

In ancient times, when it was still politically correct to call Russians Commies, the Commies were really poor (I guess much hasn't changed). The Commies still drank a lot of vodka but they used to drink it warm like tea because they couldn't afford central heat like a real civilization. When the Nazis started attacking Commie cities during dubya-dubya-duece the poor Commie public didn't have enough guns and bullets; all they could do to resist was to fill up their kettles with highly flammable vodka and hurl it off the roof at the invading Nazis. To get the maximum distance out of the kettle hurl, Vladimir Bellinskavich invented a proper form to the movement that could be used to warm up or to exercise; this is known as the kettlebell swing. One of the downsides of the kettlebell swing is that without proper form a swinger could spill the highly flammable vodka in between his or her legs and well... the results aren't pretty. He developed a practice kettle known as a kettlebell, that wasn't a kettle at all. Why didn't the commies just use an empty kettle you ask? Well, because they are Commies and not as smart as you or I so they didn't think about that. This tactic was hardly successful during the war, luckily the ol' US of A kicked the crap out of the Nazis and the Krauts retreated like pussies. Stalin noted Mr. Bellinskavich hard work and ingenuity rewarding him to a all expense paid trip to a hard labor resort in Siberia. The Commies taught all the Foreign Commies how to throw the flaming kettles at the US during the proxy wars we fought over the following years. The Commies also continued to use the kettlebell swing as a form of exercise and made sure to show the Americans that they had a cool exercise the we didn't. (All we had come up with during this time was Jazzercise). Americans predictably got jealous and broke Bellinskavich out of prison, only Bellinskavich didn't believe he was actually in a prison because his dumb Commie ass had been so indoctrinated. So he developed a new form of the kettlebell swing that would suck harder then the first one. Thus the two forms were known as Russian (2/3 swing perfect for hurling flaming kettles) and American (full swing which would dump the flaming vodka all over the head of the American, severely burning him) He taught his evil swing to any American that would listen hoping that the American public would burn itself as the Commie army advanced into any American city. All the fitness folks complied believing it to be the superior technique. Luckily, since Bellinskavich is just a dumb Commie, he didn't realize that we would never use this tactic in battle because our military is fucking awesome and our public is armed to the teeth thanks to the 2nd amendment.

The end.

Suck it Commies.

--Stuntman Mike